bout random me

i don't want, all people who read this post that I was daughter who didn't love her family... i really love them, i really love them, in my own way, my own why that maybe, other people not know how...

first, i never hope born in this family, but God just send me in this family... i know they love me, with they own way, but i hate them in my own way. not really hate, but regret it....

i never hope they understand me very well, i never hope they always support me no matter who am i, i never think that... i know they really love me, i really do, that is why i hate them...

 they never hug me when i feel sad, they never ask why my face look pale, they never ask how your school today, that is why i never called them when i have a problem, i try to solve my own problem without them... they never spoil me, i thanks them, but sometime, i need someone by my side, just for sure, i not alone, but i still found that i am alone.

i never called my home, home... i called room, home. i feel i really life in this room. after school, i spend a lot of time in my room, alone. that why i being friendly with aloneness. i never try to request help with another person, just alone.

it make me tough, even i really child one, the other person just think that i brave, not at all, i really weak, i need someone who always take care of me, always there when i need, and just pat me when i cry, just it. but they never did that. they always think like another person, i tough enough, i brave enough, but i am not.

that why i never cry front of them, when i feel sad, feel angry, no one for me, i will go in my bed room, open my turn on my laptop, and cry while watching something. they never know i did that. like now.
that why i never said what i think, because even said that, they never take serious with me, and we will end argue. and it make me hate myself more.
that why i never enjoy going home in holiday more than one week, it make us have a lot of time to arguing each other.

i want have family which feel free said i hate you, free said i love you, free said what you think, free tell what i love, free discus anything.

i really want to go home now, go in the place that i called home, more than my home, jogja. i never feel alone in jogja, i never feel that. even i am the one in my boarding house, i feel a lot person who really know me very well. i have a lot to do, not like in here. feel nothing, feel bored, feel nothing can do.

i really want to stay away for my family, close with them, make me feel hate more, and it make me hate myself more. i never dream without my fandom, with them i found smile, cry in happiness way, i love them more than i love myself now.

i love them with my own day, and i hate them with my own way. don't ask why, but i never proud myself when i be the one they want. i just want being myself. i know, when i said i will school in jogja, they wont it, but i know very well when i close with them, it make me hate myself more, and i don't wanna this. just want to be alone. and know that make me have a bad habit, i never told them first what i want to do. i don't. till i can bring success, i never going home. never. i promise it. it will the last time i go home more than one week.

i promise it.